Miller What's Next

1. Auflage 2015
ISBN: 978-1-4835-5680-2
Verlag: BookBaby
Format: EPUB
Kopierschutz: Adobe DRM (»Systemvoraussetzungen)

E-Book, Englisch, 124 Seiten

There hasn't been one resource that helps with the immediate essentials while preparing you for life beyond loss - until now. What's Next - The Journey Forward: Living Life After a Loss helps those enduring the loss of a loved one tackle the immediate practicalities while it provides gentle guidance for getting life back on track when it seems like you'll be derailed forever.

Autoren/Hrsg.

Miller, Michael

Leseproben

CHAPTER 1 What to Expect When You’re Grieving You’re probably reading this book because you have lost or are about to lose someone you are so close to that you are responsible for planning the funeral. That’s a profound loss, indeed. In addition to being sad and perhaps feeling lonely, you are probably overwhelmed – so overwhelmed that while you find decision-making challenging, you simply keep moving forward, checking things off the list because it’s your responsibility. It’s important to take a moment or two now, though, to pause and consider the emotions and experiences you might encounter in the coming days, weeks, and months so you know what to expect. After all, with knowledge comes power. Let’s start with myths and realities about grief as it relates to death. The myth of the five stages of grief During my 25-plus years working directly with grieving families, I’ve heard a lot of talk about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief. You probably know about them, too. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Truth is, Kubler-Ross’s research related to people diagnosed with a terminal illness. While some of those five might apply to the grief and sense of loss you experience when a loved one dies, there’s a good chance that not all of them do. Denial, for example, is relevant to a terminal diagnosis – “I don’t believe it. I want a second opinion.” – but you know better than anyone else that when someone dies, denial is fleeting. You might have said when you got the news, “Are you sure?” or “I can’t believe it!” when it was a sudden death. Denial might be part of the process, but that’s more likely when the death is unexpected or a surprise. And it doesn’t last long. The other one that doesn’t always ring true with my experience, especially when the lost loved one is elderly or suffered for a long time with a terminal disease, is anger. Take the case of Kathleen, a woman I met when her father died of complications from a stroke when he was 81. She was sad, for sure, but I saw no anger. Instead, I was touched by her compassion. “He wouldn’t have wanted to live like that,” she said. “I’m glad he’s not suffering any longer.” On the other hand, when the death is the result of an accident that seemed preventable, there’s often initial anger with whatever might have caused the tragedy. I sometimes see anger, too, when death is caused by suicide. Those left behind might be angry with the deceased for leaving them that way. So while anger can certainly be an early emotion when you’ve lost a loved one, it isn’t guaranteed. I haven’t seen much bargaining, either. You can see how this might apply to a terminal illness diagnosis, but when someone you care about has died, there’s nothing to bargain with or for. When someone is told they have an incurable disease, it’s easy to see how they might talk about the prospect of making different or healthier choices to turn things around – that’s a form of bargaining. Who among us wouldn’t think like that? It’s different with death, though, and most of us know that too well. Depression can definitely be part of the grief process for some, but not for all. Acceptance, the counterpoint to denial, happens quickly, even when you’re reluctant to believe what has happened. You might not like it, but you know that you have to accept it. I wouldn’t call it a “stage” – it’s more of a state of mind. Some people, particularly those who have never experienced grief and loss, also think that the grieving process is linear – that you move through stages and emotions one by one and always in the same order. Nope. Perhaps the fact that it isn’t linear is what makes it so hard, actually. Instead of starting first with “denial” and then moving along to “anger,” what you’re more likely to experience is a range of emotions that can vary almost hour to hour. One moment you feel like you have your act together, the next, you have an emotional meltdown. Knowing this now will help you cope if it happens. You’ll know that this is normal, natural, and typical. There’s also no set timeframe for grief. You might start feeling better sooner than you expected, but it might also take longer than you thought it would. Try not to have any expectations about how long it will or won’t take. That will make it easier for you to accept and process what you’re feeling in the moment you’re feeling it. Physical and emotional symptoms What are the realities, then? What can you expect to experience? As you might be seeing already, symptoms of grief can be both physical and emotional. Some might be fleeting; others might last for a while. One woman told me that after her father died, it was six months before she felt like she was breathing normally again. You might experience many of the following symptoms and you might not. While your reaction to your loss might not be the same as someone else’s, it’s possible and even likely that you will experience one or several of the following emotional symptoms: Inability to concentrate or focus Forgetfulness Unable to complete tasks Mood swings A sense that you need to take care of others Sudden crying spells Anxiety Physical symptoms are common, too. They include: Difficulty sleeping Headache Upset stomach A sense of heaviness in the chest Dizziness Appetite loss – or the opposite Sensitive skin Difficulty breathing normally “Symptoms of grief can be both physical and emotional. Some might be fleeting, others might last for a while.” Everybody is different, of course. I’ve seen some people move through the funeral planning process smoothly and at least seemingly easily while others have difficulty concentrating and making decisions (that’s quite common). And it’s no wonder – loved ones are forced to make important emotional and financial decisions at a time in their lives when they are least able to do so. It’s one reason why we recommend planning a funeral in advance, before decisions are truly necessary. I’ve assisted many individuals, couples, and adult children as they’ve made decisions early, before a crisis forced them too. They nearly always return to me later, after the loss, to say how glad they were that they didn’t have to review all of their choices and make key decisions when they were actively grieving. Whether you or those around you are experiencing any or none of the symptoms here, know that you are unique and the only thing that is “normal” is what’s normal for you or them. You’ve probably heard people say, “Everyone grieves differently” many times – I certainly have (and I’ve probably said it more than a few times, too). It’s one of those truisms that actually is true. Try not to judge yourself (or others) as you move through the grief continuum and it will be easier for you to heal. Coping strategies When you know what to expect, it’s easier to explore and select strategies that help you cope as you move through the coming hours, days, weeks, and months. Let some of these suggestions help reassure you as you look to the future. You will get through this, but it will take time, tears, and support. Here are suggestions you might find helpful in the first days and weeks. We’ll talk about longer-term coping strategies later in the book. Don’t ask too much of yourself initially. This can be particularly challenging for somebody who is known for “keeping the trains running on time” and easier for the individual who tends to let others lead, preferring to follow instructions, instead. If you’re the one who’s always doing the organizing and planning at family events, you might have to stay in that role for this situation, but you might not be functioning at 100 percent. Watch for that, and when someone offers to relieve you of some of the tasks you’re used to having on your list, let them. You’ll thank yourself – and them – later. Hang on to rituals that bring you comfort; let go of those that don’t. Typically, the first ritual families address after loss is the funeral. For many, a wake or calling hours at a funeral home followed by a church funeral service are family rituals that help bring closure and reassure loved ones that the world will, indeed, keep spinning in spite of the loss. For others, a short graveside service followed by a buffet at the American Legion hall is what’s in order. More and more families today are opting to create new traditions by hosting a celebration of the loved one’s life in locations that are not always associated with funerals, and that’s okay, too. Short term, the most important thing is honoring the memory of the person you lost in a way that comforts you and your family. There could be other rituals linked in your mind to the deceased, too – taking a walk together after dinner, hosting holiday meals, or attending the season opener of a beloved sports team. These will come up as time goes on. Rituals will need to change – maybe you’ll...