Matthew Sullivan / Sullivan / Ph.D. Overcoming the Co-Parenting Trap

Essential Parenting Skills When a Child Resists a Parent
1. Auflage 2015
ISBN: 978-1-4835-5488-4
Verlag: BookBaby
Format: EPUB
Kopierschutz: Adobe DRM (»Systemvoraussetzungen)

E-Book, Englisch, 94 Seiten

Overcoming the Co-Parenting Trap helps parents understand the reasons why some children resist a parent during divorce-a reality that touches many families. Combining years of experience in intensive work with families struggling with parent-child estrangement, Overcoming Barriers' first publication offers practical insight on two central questions: • Why does a child resist contact with a parent? • How can I best support my child to have healthy relationships with both parents? This guide details practical strategies for working through the significant challenges both parents may experience with a resisting child. Common scenarios and concrete solutions are presented both for preferred parents and resisted parents.

Autoren/Hrsg.

Matthew Sullivan, Ph. D.

Sullivan, Matthew

Ph.D.,

Moran, John

Sullivan, Tyler

Leseproben

Skills for the Resisted Parent Resisted Affection Expressing affection to a resisting child can be tricky. A child may question a parent’s good intentions or outright reject expressions of love and support. The parent doesn’t want to stop expressing their affection but may need to be very reserved in expressing it in order to avoid more disaffection from the child. When expressing love and support, the resisted parent should try to do it in a way that allows the child to receive the message without feeling the need to respond. Express to the child that you love them and care for them without making the child feel pressured to say anything. For example, say, “I love you no matter what,” rather than, “Can I have a hug?” Remember, the important thing for the child to hear is that the parent loves them, is committed to them and will always be there for them no matter what (such as illustrated in the popular children’s book Runaway Bunny, by Margaret Wise Brown). When the resisted parent is stung with hurt, they may feel the urge to counter-reject the child by saying something like, “It’s obvious you don’t want to see me. I don’t want to see you unless you do, so let me know when you want some time with me.” Do not make this mistake. Instead, communicate to the child the message, “I will continue to love you regardless of what happens.” Keep in mind that the child may not accept your calls, texts, holiday cards or gifts, but they are tracking if they arrived. Ironically, though the child may say they want no contact with you, later they may say that you not sending a birthday card or holiday gift is more proof that you do not really care and are not lovable. Do not give up. This is a painful test of whether you love them unconditionally. Even when the child is resisting, they want love from both of their parents (although that wish may be unconscious at this point). PARENTING TIPS: •   Do not insist on your child hugging or kissing you or your family members. •   Do not make long-winded or highly emotional statements about how much you love and miss your child. •   Show affection by sending cards and/or gifts for birthdays and holidays, even if they are returned. •   Show affection by showing up at extracurricular, school and sporting events (unless a court order prohibits attendance, or the parents have agreed to not attend activities at the same time). •   Show you care by considering your child’s wish not to be around someone you are dating. •   Discourage extended family from contacting your child directly if he/she does not want it. Be sure to tell family members not to express their thoughts about the family conflict, who is to blame and how the child should be acting toward you and them. Resistance to Parent-Child Communication While working to improve the relationship, the resisted parent will repeatedly be challenged by the child to prove that they care; that they are safe to be with; and, that they are committed to skillful parenting over the long run. Be patient and long-suffering. If the child makes a hurtful statement such as, “If you loved me you would listen to what I am saying, that I don’t want to spend time with you,” a skillful response might be, “It makes me sad to hear you say that because I love you very much.” Or if the child says, “You care more about your new girlfriend than about me and how I feel,” you might say, “I understand that you feel that way, but you should know it’s not true and I am going to keep doing what I can to prove it to you.” PARENTING TIPS: •   Work around highly emotional issues. If asked to talk directly about family relationships, a resisting child will typically shut down or argue, without giving thoughtful consideration to the ideas the parent wants the child to understand. •   Carefully orchestrate talks about sensitive issues. For example, ask the child if it is a good time to talk about a touchy subject and if the child says it is not, agree to talk later, or maybe ask for another time to schedule the conversation. •   Do not dismiss the child’s negative attitudes and emotions by saying they should not be angry or afraid of you. Do not say that their feelings are caused by the preferred parent, or that their thoughts come from the preferred parent. The word “brainwashed” is a flashpoint for conflict. Say something like, “I get it that you are really angry and disappointed in me. I want to respect those feelings and still try to make the best of our time together. I don’t agree with much of what you are saying, but we probably can’t talk through that at this point, so let’s focus on making the best of things right now, and look forward to a time when we will be able to talk about some of these things and actually achieve a clearer understanding of what happened and what went wrong.” •   Avoid arguing about what is true. Arguing about the facts of what happened, or what the facts mean, makes people feel discounted, defensive, self-righteous, resentful, and closed to the relationship. It may be possible to clarify simple facts about what happened in the past, like whether a vacation trip was in June or July, but the child’s memories are colored by their interpretations that probably are not up for reconsideration. •   Avoid asking why your child is acting a certain way: Children may be incapable of verbalizing their feelings or hesitant because they feel intimidated. •   Children caught in the middle are very aware of the location of their parents and may act differently depending on who is present. A child’s loyalty conflicts are heightened when both parents are present. Be aware of how the presence of siblings, especially older brothers and sisters, may affect a child’s behavior and plan accordingly. Resistance to Parental Discipline When a child is resisting a parent, attempts to assert parental authority often are met with either active or passive resistance. For example, saying “You should do what I say because I am your mother,” is likely to be met with a nasty response whether it is verbally expressed or kept hidden. Discipline is to teach children how to get along in the world. Discipline is taking advantage of teaching moments to help the child understand how the world works, as much as it is about enforcing behavior standards and imposing behavioral consequences. With a resisting child, parents may do better to approach the child in a collaborative manner rather than as an authority figure. Some parents struggle with the idea that disciplining a child is a collaborative, or two-way process. After all, children should do what they are told to do. With a resisting child, however, the most important first step is to arrange enjoyable activities with the child that demonstrate that the parent-child relationship can work. It might be difficult to accept, but most resisted parents have very little success at enforcing behavior standards with children, and the punitive nature of discipline easily reinforces the child’s belief that the resisted parent is mean, uncaring or doesn’t listen. PARENTING TIPS: •   Identify with the child potential points of friction before they happen. Plan activities with the child and get their preferences in advance, ideally when they are in a neutral mood. •   Talk with the child about what to do if either of you acts poorly. For example, “If you don’t eat dinner with the family, you will not have access to your electronic devices.” Or, “If I make a sarcastic comment or gesture about Mom, please point it out and I will apologize to you.” •   Be ready for resistance: prepare your response and know your limits. In the example above, consider explaining the reason why eating dinner with the family is important. Focus on any positive consequences that go along with the desired behavior. Look out for the point when communication becomes unproductive, clarify the choices for the child and disengage. •   It is critical to avoid physical contact during a disciplinary event. For example, if the child grabs your hand to fight over possession of their cell phone, let them have it and address their aggression at another time. •   Inform the preferred parent of discipline events. The child may provide them a version that lacks important information. Apologies by the Resisted...